2.1 Problems

I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God.

This is a minor statement that occurs early on in chapter two and I understand and agree with what Miller is saying, but I want to take a moment to talk about 'religion' and 'habit.'  There's a lot of talk these days about Christianity being "a relationship, not a religion" and it seems to me there's a push towards non-denominationalism. In this movement, it seems as though we're quick to forsake the traditions of the high church - the recitation of creeds, the order of worship, formalized prayer. 

I grew up in a Lutheran church, mostly, with a few years spent at an Episcopal church. I am very familiar with the traditions of the high church and, truthfully, I really like them. I recently joined the Methodist church and, while it's not as formal as some of the churches I grew up in, it is still based on tradition. Miller says that habit is what prevents a man's heart from engaging God. To some extent I do agree, but I want to point out that habit is often what gets us through the spiritual valleys and what, in turn, reconnects us with God. Reciting a creed reminds me of what I believe - it is the essence of creation, the essence of the gospel. When I'm weary and I feel like my words don't matter or I'm too apathetic for a genuine conversation with God, I can pray as Jesus taught His disciples to pray, 

"Our Father, who art in Heaven,

 Hallowed by Thy name,

 Thy kingdom come,

 Thy will be done,

 On earth as it is in Heaven.

 Give us this day our daily bread

 And forgive us our trespasses,

 As we forgive those who trespass against us.

 And lead us not into temptation, 

 But deliver us from evil.

 For Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory. Forever."

While habit and recitation can't be all that our faith rests on, it certainly can be restorative and it truly can enable us to engage God when nothing else remains. 

1.2 Beginnings

I started to sin about the time I turned ten [. . .] Girls begin to sin when they are twenty-three or something, but they do life much softer by their very nature and so need less of a run at things.

Girls start sinning at twenty-three? Riiiiight. Not this girl any way. Reading this passage reminded me of one the first instances of sin that I remember. It's still vivid and it's not something I've ever really talked about. I was in the third grade and it was the end of Mrs. Chistoph's art class. I was doing something in her supply closet, maybe putting a painting on the drying rack, or maybe returning paint brushes. I don't remember all the details, and I don't remember any more what prompted it, but I announced to all who could hear that two of my classmates were 'doing it' in the closet of the art room. Just typing that makes me want to crawl under the table and there's not even any one else in my house to hide from. I'm quite sure I didn't know what was involved in 'doing it' and I'm completely sure that 'it' was not being done in the art room closet. 

Even as an adult, I still feel remorse for that statement. I remember being absolutely terrified that I would get in trouble. I can honestly remember feeling a sense of relief when the third grade was over because I figured it would be forgotten over the summer and there would be no chance of anyone getting me in trouble or, horror of all horrors, notifying my parents. I probably even petitioned God. "Please God, don't let my parents find out that I know what 'doing it' means." Hell, I still sometimes like to assume that my parents don't know that I know.  

I'm a public school teacher and I hear all sorts of crazy things on a day-to-day basis. If I heard a third grader saying such a thing, I might be a little caught off guard, but I wouldn't think much of it. I realize that in the scheme of things, it's not such a big deal, but I can tell you that I knew that was sin and I still know it was sin and it is something that I will not ever forget. Thinking about it now, I can still feel the trepidation and the fear of being found out, I can feel a tightening in my chest. 

Sin is ugly and vile. I'm an adult now, but sometimes I still run my mouth and sometimes I say things that hurt other people deeply, things that are far more hurtful than a nine year old accusing two classmates of 'doing it.' Later in the chapter, Miller is talking about sin and guilt saying, My life had become something to hide; there were secrets in it. My thoughts were private thoughts, my lies were barriers that protected my thoughts, my sharp tongue a weapon to protect the ugly me. That last bit is what really gets me - my sharp tongue a weapon to protect the ugly me. When I can't stand the ugliness inside of me, it's easy to blame someone else, spitting insults to cover my own insecurities. Sometimes I can't cope with acknowledging the depravity inside of me, I can't handle the blow to my pride and I can't allow anyone else to know that I'm not always sweet and I'm not always thoughtful or considerate, so I'm quick to point out the other person's short-comings, piling them on, often exaggerating them, anything to take the focus off of me. This is the ugly truth. I want to stop being afraid of allowing others to see that there are parts of me that are 'rough around the edges' and sometimes downright ugly. I want to be transparent, even when I'm not proud of myself. 

1.1 Beginnings

Today I wonder why it is God refers to Himself as "Father" at all. Why would God want to call Himself Father when so many fathers abandon their children?" 

A good question, indeed. Miller writes frequently about the absence of his father, in this book and in others. Unfortunately, many of my peers have fathers who have not stepped up to the plate and embraced the responsibility set before them. I, however, have been blessed with an amazing father and through his example, I am able to see God as Heavenly Father. 

My dad is the most generous person I know, giving of himself and of his possessions. My dad is a provider, making sure that those that belong to him are taken care of, in every way. Both of my parents are wonderful, encouraging and supportive, but my dad has a tender way of expressing this that always catches me by surprise and humbles me deeply. He makes a point of verbalizing the pride that he takes in me. I am his pride and joy and I know that he delights in me, even considering all of the bone headed (more like hard headed in my case) things I have done in my life. He has certainly made clear what is right and what is wrong, but even when I've disappointed him, I've know his love and his joy - what confidence that has given me!

All men are created in God's image, but in my father I've seen a glimpse of the very heart of God. 

Blue Like Jazz

They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz. 

This is a conversation. It is a conversation between a girl and a book. It is a conversation between a girl and herself. It is a conversation between a girl and her God. 

It is a conversation that is open to you, if you please.